The problem arose when I started getting lonely. Truly lonely. My closest friends were graduating, moving on to careers in other parts of the U.S. I had burnt myself out the previous year and flunked out of school. I had to save money for both tuition and a new car. Considering that I couldn’t get to school without a car, my vehicle purchase came first.
I was dating this really great guy at the time(or so I thought) and he gave me a lead on a truck. I was really excited since I’ve been a hands on kind of gal and this truck would provide me with as much hands on as I wanted! It had a great rep for lasting forever as long as the owner puts the work into it. I was ready to work this thing. What a fun project while I saved for the following school year.
However, that tuck quickly turned into the nail in my coffin of which I recently dug myself out.
He began to block his door way if I tried to exit his apartment. He would threaten to commit suicide if I left him. He would tell me if I left to see my friends he would run off forever and not be there when I came back…I should have left then. Unfortunately I was still trying to learn how to drive this stick shift. He made me feel that if I touched this vehicle, it would burst into flames, the clutch would give out, I would die, or worse. Again, I should have taken my chances. Instead, I listened to his berating and trusted that maybe the next day he would teach me calmly how to drive my vehicle.
The next day turned into the next and the next and the next, until one day we moved farther away from anyone that truly could help me.
He got more scary, threatening, and devious and I got pregnant.
I did everything I could to keep him happy, but nothing worked. I became his little house wife that made homemade everything, cleaned house, became a full time mom (last thing I ever used to say I would be)and none of it calmed his increasing rage against me. I was trapped. He changed phones so frequently it was hard for me to keep up with anyone other than his mother. My anxiety grew as I listened to his dreams of dealing drugs again. He started increasing his scale collection. Different sizes for different deals I guess.
His assaults became more and more discrete, leaving fewer marks during certain times of the year. There was a clear pattern. If his family was coming to town, he would begin to treat me with kindness and be affectionate toward me, then I knew after they were back at their home sweet home I was waiting for the next big one. Only they were becoming less of bruises and more strangling. There were so many instances I was afraid my toddler was going to watch me die in the following minutes. The last time that crossed my mind was it for me. We ran. We ran and we haven’t looked back.
Tomorrow is another day.
I am building a new home with love and kindness. I am working toward building my knowledge base and utilizing my experience for the betterment of myself. Every day is better than the last and will continue with momentum.